OH, YOU THOUGHT YOUR BUN SAID IT ALL? NOT EVEN CLOSE.
The NBA Borrower:
When a young woman appears to be swimming in the practice outfit of a 6′ 5″, 250 pound basketball player, she’s probably been in a relationship for over 3 years. She’s like, “I got this.”
However, a common misconception is that she is borrowing all of these items from said partner. Nope. Michaela Jordanda has collected workout gear from every gargantuan male she’s ever come across — maybe a father, or brother, or a kid who fell asleep next to his laundry basket. She’s always a little shady about where she got her jerseys from. She did not go to Cornell and yet her shorts say otherwise. The other thing about her: these garments are worn anytime she’s not (1) at work or (2) at an event informal enough that it didn’t require a Paperless Post RSVP.
The Pinterest Pony:
Her hot pink tank tops say things like, “Keep calm & sweat,” “Run now, wine later,” or, “My other sports bra is La Perla.” She follows fitspo on every social media platform, and if you need to find her, she’ll be walking hills on the elliptical.
The Coordinator:
Her sports bra matches her leggings matches the swoosh on her Nike sneakers…matches her hair tie. Nothing screams “I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who met their boyfriend at the gym” quite like a female wearing an "outfit"on the stationary bike. She hasn’t quite figured out that unless you are partaking in the filming of a fitness video, no one cares about your sweaty colour scheme.
Although she works out vigorously, this “exercise barbie” never seems to break a sweat. There is something to be said, however, about the fact that she shows up religiously after work, 5 days a week, and has abs so spliced you could use them as a dish rack. Maybe she’s on to something.
The One Not Over Her Bat Mitzvah:
Once in a blue moon, a woman who has still has “Camp BFFs” will recall her bat mitzvah as the best night of her life, and her still-too-large t-shirt lives to tell the tale in yoga. She genuinely may have “danced her pants off,” or “had a ball” that night, as the shirt explicitly states. Still, after age 16, it’s recommended to leave the evidence at home.
The University Gift Shop Superstar:
She either really needs everyone to know she went to Michigan, or, she attended college in such a rural town that the only place she could satiate her shopping addiction was the university gift store, hence the school crests and colors on ev-ry-thing. Either way, you know where her future kids will be going.
The Norm Core Workout-er:
Typically seen in standard black leggings with a full underwear line showing underneath, plus a t-shirt or tank top with holes, she is a working woman, and to her, these are her nothing more than gym clothes. She cares enough about appearance to avoid the aforementioned NBA attire, but she’s too tired and stressed out to put an ensemble together. She can be found texting from the elliptical, leaving yoga 10 minutes early to answer an email, then changing back into work clothes without a shower — though she adds a quick spray of the community deodorant cans found in most gym bathrooms that almost no one else uses.
The $pin Cla$$er:
You know when a really high end, luxury fashion brand does a collaboration with a sportswear company and you’re like, “Who would spend $280 on spandex?” This girl. Her sneakers, sports bras, sweat-wicking thongs and headphones are all limited edition. The treadmill is her catwalk. She’s halted an entire spin class because her 2k diamond earring fell out during a particularly intense ride, but man. Dang. Does this woman look good.
The Flash Dancer:
“She’s a steel worker by day, exotic dancer by night. Her dream is to get into a real dance company, though, and with encouragement from her boss/boyfriend, she may get her chance. The city of Pittsburgh co-stars. What a feeling!”
That’s IMDB’s description of Flash Dance but it was basically what we were going to say anyway. This woman owns zero shirts that aren’t cut with a pair of scissors and she gets mad when you confuse her with Baby from Dirty Dancing.
Jen Selter:
THIS GIRL. She wears a sports bra and spandex shorts so tight they could choke a noodle. She definitely does not own shirts but she’ll occasionally throw on a hoodie — unzipped, of course, and she takes a lot of selfies. In fact, she probably has an Instagram account dedicated to fitness, and she’s definitely paleo, and never skips #squats. You want to hate her…but you can’t. Her body is a wonderland and you spend the majority of your time wondering just how weird it would be if you politely — politely! — asked her permission to feel her glute.
The Face:
She’s got the bronzer, the blush, the foundation, the primer, eyelid primer, highlighter, eyeshadow and mascara happening. Her hair is done. She looks really pretty and makes you wish you were wearing one of those horse masks that people wear to EDM concerts. If it’s after 5 PM you can cut her and yourself a break because she probably came from work. If it’s before noon on a weekend, however, there’s a certain trainer she’s trying hard to impress. (And by the way, why are you at the gym before noon on a weekend?)
The Confused:
Every once in a while you spot someone attempting to make the rowing machine work while wearing a pair of jeans. It could be one of two things: either this woman forgot her gym clothes yet is so dedicated to her routine that she took a cue from Nike and just did it, but in denim, OR, she’s really, really confused.
The Liar:
She looks like The Coordinator, The Spin Classer or the Pinterest Pony. Actually, besides The Confused, this girl could take on the visual persona of all the above-mentioned types. She’s got her sneakers on, her hair is up, her earbuds are plugged in and she looks ready to run. But she won’t run today. She’ll skip the gym for a doughnut, maybe grab a beer, meet a friend, catch a movie, take a nap. But she’ll say she worked out. She’ll brag about how she stretched afterwards, too. Who cares. You’ve done it too, and your leggings didn’t catch fire.